In the Beginning…

I thought, “Hey, I’ve got money left over from selling my last house. Why not spend it on a new house far away from the smog of LA? Someplace with land and trees and warmth to soothe my much abused horse-riding knees without actually burning me to a crisp?”

And, I reasoned with growing excitement, if I had a little land I could create an oasis for all the helpless tiny critters suffering from California’s never-ending drought. I could recycle my gray water and compost and plant a butterfly garden! I could become – nay, would become – at last, the living embodiment of Gia, striding noiselessly across the beautiful barren landscape, long gray ponytail swinging in subtle rhythm with my moccasin padded footfalls, gently stroking the friendly raven on my shoulder as I plucked twigs of mesquite to bind into – I don’t know – let’s say a tapestry of some brilliant brown and crimson hue.

Having purchased a 5 acre slice of heaven in Kern County, the reality is different. I run around mornings shouting “go home” at random cattle who have broken through the barbed wire yet again (although they seem to sense that “home” means “hamburger” because they just won’t leave). I offer huge bribes to strangers to deliver rare and precious items such as stoves to my house. I battle invisible, thieving tweekers who break in repeatedly. I pray for some wise and kind soul to fix the hot water heater before I expire from the odor of my own unwashed body.

Georgia O’Keeffe I ain’t.

(I say words like “ain’t” now that I have taken up-time part residence in the country. This morning I said, without satiric intent, “busted.” The word just busted out of my pie hole. I only visit this place on weekends, and already I have gone native.)

Over the course of several months I will come to understand the true meaning of Kermit’s lament, “It’s not so easy being green.” The oft-aligned evils of ignorance, recidivism, greed (and the attendant legislation born of lobbying) are conspiring to make the eco-friendly choice nearly impossible for a normal(ish) middle-class American like me.

Yet, I soldier on. Attend…